tentacletrainer | Chapter 11; Video/Filtered Video to Karkat

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Chapter 11; Video/Filtered Video to Karkat

[[The feed flicks on to a view of four Pokemon. The first three are likely familiar to anyone who knows their trainer.

An all-too-cool Wooper, who currently seems rather put out and a little scratched up.
A primping and preening Pidgey, who seems quite proud of itself.
And a rather irritated looking Eevee, ruffled somewhat and glaring in the aforementioned Wooper's direction.
The fourth Pokemon, sitting quietly and watching the three with interest, is a Mareep.

From off camera comes the voice to confirm that yes, this is indeed Rose's team.]]

I am pleased to say we are finally making progress in level. Surprisingly, Dave has been putting forth a great deal of effort into his training. I am unsure as to why, but not complaining.

Woop!

That was a compliment. You should accept it as such.

Pilcrow, the Pidgey you see before you, has also gained a few levels of her own. Guillemot has earned the most, however. I am highly proud of her. I also have a new addition, of whom I have just caught. Halos the Mareep. He is quite the energetic one, and I am sure he will make an excellent addition to my team.

[[And now you get a view of the girl, who looks like she's recovering from a cold.]]

I have doubts of challenging the gym here before we leave, but I suppose that is not my duty as a breeder anyway, is it?

[[For everyone else, the feed ends here. However, Karkat gets one soon after.]]

[Filtered to Karkat]

...Karkat. Would I be able to ask a favor of you? It concerns living arrangements, as I have been unable to work for the past week due to both my illness and the incident with Dave, and therefor can no longer afford room and board.

Of course I intend to find work as soon as possible, but until then I have no where to stay...

Flat | Top-Level Comments Only

Yeah well, you probably wouldn't get stuck with short horns anyway.

[Turning away from her, such that they end up more or less back to back.]

And what makes you so sure of that?

[[Just. Cuddling on Karkitty now.]]

Because the universe doesn't like to torture you.

[[...snort.]]

Oh please. That is possibly the most offending answer I have been given. If anything, by the standards of your race, I am worse off as I have none. And that is only grazing the surface of what the universe can, has and apparently will do to me.

That's not what I meant, dumbass! If you were a troll, you'd probably have a perfectly normal pair. Not like me with those fucking short damn horns I had.

Your session might have fucked up everything ever, too, but you still weren't waiting for death in the god damn Veil. You didn't have to see the big reward snatched right out of your fucking hands at literally the last second. I was like, that close to opening the door to your universe, and then the demon pops up and slices that shit in half. Aradia had to literally fucking throw us into this transportalizer so we wouldn't be killed then.

And sure, this universe is nicer. I admit that. I seriously do. But life still likes to shit on me in some way or another.

And at least you were sane enough to attempt to assist your friends.

My first day here I was greeted with a rather terrified looking Dave, asking me from when I am from. And then assuring me that in the future I am...oh, how did he put it.

Psycho. I am apparently 'batshit crazy' as they say, and it is going to happen no matter what I do, and from the way he spoke about it it isn't very pleasant.

I would much rather be told how nubby my horns are and be a hatched leader to my friends than crazy and scaring Dave of all people.

And the fact that our session managed to mess yours up so bad is also yet another tick on the "gee my life sucks" belt, Karkat. Do you think I enjoy hearing I may have been the cause of such a thing? Wait, may. I likely am, seeing as I am insane in the future. But do you think that sits well with me? As hard as I find it to believe, it still sits in my gut like a lead brick. The guilt that I could possibly have caused such a thing. For which I am sorry. Those words likely mean nothing, but there they are none the less.

And I may not know much about our session, however I do know that my life before it was nothing pleasant, save for when I was talking with the other three or lost in my books. My mother was cause for so much grief. So much facetious, careless grief.

So it is not as if I have had much of a stroll through the park either, in human terms.

[Karkat does hold back some as he hears parts of this. But this is still him, with all his issues and problems and shortcomings of personality. So by the end, he's aggravated, more than he was going in.]

You think there weren't psychopaths in my session? Get in fucking line, Rose, because until you've slaughtered hundreds or fuck, maybe even into the thousands, you're nowhere near Vriska's level of fucked up. Or how about Eridan, he orphaned as many to feed Feferi's damn lusus for her, all while wanting to kill all land dwellers. Or how about being mind controlled into killing the person closest to you, or how about FUCKING CAUSING THE DEATH OF ALL TWELVE TROLLS' LUSII BY BEING A DUMBASS IN A FIT OF FUCKING RAGE?

So your adult human custodian didn't hug you enough, at least you didn't have to kill for her, or watch her die knowing it was your own damn fault.

Do you really fucking think the horns are it for me, too? Do you? Because fuck you! That's just a part of it. You never had to fucking worry about being culled on your planet, did you? You never had to worry about one fucking little misstep potentially ruining your whole fucking life for you!

On top of that, my title in Sgrub and my damn Land itself both existed just to fucking mock me! Both tossing my biggest issue right in my fucking face. Do you have any idea how much I hate myself? How long I've completely loathed my own damn existence? Since I was old enough to understand what was wrong with me, and so much I actually fucking thought I was my own damn kismesis once! How fucking pathetic is that? You can't even fucking imagine!

Did you ever have to spend hours arguing with your own damn self over what plan you should take? Did you ever have to be mocked by yourself, and then have both yous mocked by everyone else in your session, not just once, but repeatedly?

I may have been the leader and it may have been destined through stable time loops, but I was questioned every fucking step of the way, by everyone sooner or later, most of all my own damn self!

And so what if you feel fucking guilty? You never had to see all your hard work go to waste. You never had to hide in the Veil hoping death would come later rather than immediately. You never had to watch your best friend die because you didn't take his warning seriously!

And speaking of which, that same guy? My best fucking friend in any universe? We cannot even talk to each other without it devolving into a stupid argument, each and every fucking time. He's the only guy who hates himself more than me, and he doesn't have any reason to. So I try to make him stop, but no, never fucking works. And then he gets a god damn pale crush on me that I can't return, so shit has been awkward with him ever since, and now his matesprit's gone back to the Veil to wait for death and I can't do a fucking thing for him! And he mocks me every time we speak, too, and we hate each other and it's so stupid but I can't let him go even with all that, because it's what I fucking deserve!

And the first guy I met who actually shared the same problem as me, I let him get away with fucking stabbing me, like three times, all because of that. That's how fucking pathetic I am.

I go through every day of my god damn life hating everyone, hating everything. I used to think with all the hate I felt I could never even find a damn kismesis, and the first time I did, I got turned down because of some concept that doesn't even exist in my species. I very nearly did the second time, too. If anything it's a god damn fucking miracle I've even got Dave at all, and I keep expecting to wake up or get sent back to the Veil or have it yanked out from under me somehow because shit never goes this well without something coming along to fuck it all over.

So just--shut the fuck up, Rose.

Edited 2011-03-02 14:54 (UTC)

[[And she quietly listens to his response, curling up more and more around the Glameow in her lap. And as much as she wants to get up and move, to go stay with Dave or Jade, she sticks her ground. Though she only says one small thing in return.]]

...I was trying to level with you, Karkat. I was never claiming I had it worse.

[Poor Guile has no doubt been shoves off his by now, so he could turn and glare and gesture at Rose as he ranted. But now, he's just angry. Flat out fucking pissed at everything, himself most of all. So he turns away again, arms tense at his sides and hands balled into fists so tight his nails dig at his palms.]

Well fucking good for you.

Now do you damn flighty broad shtick like you always do. Say something. Do something. Don't just fucking curl up like a god damn kicked howlerbeast pup.

Edited 2011-03-02 15:00 (UTC)

[[Hesitant as she is, after having been told to shut up previously, she sighs and sits up slightly.]]

I have a feeling I will only make this worse. But I will try.

While you my have had psychopaths within your session, you were not one of them. The human race has psychopaths within it, and I assure you it is much different than being one, or knowing you are going to become one.

Personally, I find it frightening. Interesting, in a way, but that is simply the part of me wanting to find out how these people tick. How they work. When I set that aside, it is terrifying knowing they could be anywhere. Especially when you are helpless against them.

From everything I have heard and gathered and observed, the troll race is conditioned to be able to handle themselves. In all situations. If you were to be tossed out with nothing but the clothes on your back, you would survive. I am sure you would have a fairly easy time of it.

I would not.

Being controlled or manipulated into doing something is, first and foremost, not your fault. If you are being controlled, you cannot control it. If Dave came over, picked your hand up, and forced you to punch me, that would not be your fault. Nor would I treat it as such. Upon whomever was doing the controlling rests the blame. Them and them alone.

As for the worry of being culled, you would be surprised. I am not sure what all would give the others reason to kill you, but we surely have just as many reasons. You are not pretty enough. You are not popular enough. You are not smart enough. You do not look right, or act right, or talk right. You are not interested in the same things as the majority of the populace, you do not believe in the same beliefs as the rest of your race, you do not believe in anything at all. If I gave the right person the wrong look - just a look. Or perhaps I walked by them just ever so out of step - I could be put down on the spot for it. All it takes is one wrong move, wrong look, wrong word. One strand of hair out of place.

I would make comment on how your title and planet mocked you, however I am unaware of this issue. And the fact you had not mentioned it within that explanation gives me a feeling I will not know for a while.

Karkat, it is not pathetic to be desperate for some form of affection, be it that of Caliginous or Flushed. It is nature for a person to crave some form of attention. For humans it is a basic need to love and be loved. To know that you are okay in the eyes of another, in the eyes of someone. To know that someone out there loves you...for you. I am sure, for trolls, hate carries the same concept. It is a need to be hated in such a passionate and needing way as you are able to give to them. To know that you are worth it. If you cannot find such a person, such a relationship, it is hard to believe you are okay. Hard to believe there is nothing wrong with you, even harder when you already previously hate yourself.

So looking to yourself for such a relationship is not pathetic. It is desperate, yes, but not pathetic. It is nature. It is a basic need, one you are simply trying to fulfill because...it is simply that.

Raw, aching need.

I can say I have mocked myself on multiple occasions, however I've a feeling time 'shenanigans' are involved, and it is not the same thing. However this falls back under the topic of why I could be killed at any point in time, for any reason. If you are not perfect in the eyes of your peers, you are a constant source of mockery. Until they are bored with picking at every little wound you have and have found a fresh kill to make.

And you may have been questioned and challenged, but does that not add to the accomplishment that you still persevered? That you still lead them, and still won? Had it not been for us, as you have said, you would have claimed your prize. Challenged or not, you overcame those obstacles, those travesties, and still lead them to a victory well earned. Beside these points, as I told you before, you simply...look like a leader. You sound and feel like one as well.

When you open your mouth, you sound as though you know what you are doing. As though you are completely on top of things that need to get done, that you know how to go about it. You have a commanding presence about you. And as with all great leaders, you were met with challenges to your dominance. To your right by those who felt they were more more privileged, better equipped, more deserving. And yet still you prevailed. That speaks volumes about you.

And yes, I never had to experience such incidents. I hear my future is grim, yet I have yet to experience anything. However, that does not mean I cannot feel empathy for you. And that does not mean my apology and guilt are not genuine, and are not meant with the extremity of sincerity. Nothing I can say will fix whatever it was we did. It will not change anything. However, I am still sorry. I still apologize. And I still wish I could change it somehow.

As for Sollux...

He simply needs direction. Very little will ever convince him that the universe was not created to torment you all, especially him, however I have found giving him distraction helps lessen the pain. Or lessen his focus upon it. Next time, do not try to convince him he isn't worthless. Simply sit and listen. Sit, listen, and show him you understand, rather than you know he is better than that. Because, although he is better, that is not what he needs. Perhaps find a subject he enjoys conversing about once he has it out of his system. But I've a feeling he simply needs understanding, rather than arguing.

And the fact you are still his friend shows not that you are stupid, nor that you deserve anything you receive, but that you are a good friend. It shows that you care. It shows that you want him to be okay, and simply want to help. That is a good quality, Karkat, one I hope you will keep and treasure. Because there are not many people like that in the world.

[[And now, she finally turns to face him, and reaches over to attempt and pull his look her way.]]

I am unable to reassure you that you won't be taken away. I do not know how this place works, and I wish I did. I wish I could tell you that you never have to leave. That you never have to go back and suffer. I wish desperately that I could, Karkat.

But I can't.

I can, however, assure you that with every ounce of capability I have, I will attempt not to let that happen. I will try. I make no promises that I will succeed, but I promise you I will try.

[[And she lets him go, bracing herself to have all of her arguments disputed, though at this point she is not sure what else she could say.]]

[Karkat listens, anger and rage frothing in him like a rolling boil, but there is really only so much that can be done. He can't interrupt her. As much as he argued back earlier, he listens now, because - him or not - the instinct of this is your moirail, so shut up and listen was not beaten out of him with the change to a human body. He's a troll at heart, and that, along with what may well be simple respect for Rose as a person keeps his mouth shut until she's done.]

[And though he wants to smack her hand away, to smack her, he doesn't when she pulls him to face her again.]

[There's a deep, stewing ire in his eyes. Whatever it is that lies beneath the surface of everything else in each moment of his life has been brought up close enough to the surface to see, if but a glimpse. She doesn't have the full story yet, and much as she guessed, he's not enough to volunteer up the full details.]

[So he glares at her. Eyes narrowed, mouth a tight-lipped frown, every other feature worked into it to convey what he can't bring to words.]

[Much of the argument is internal.]

[But after a minute or so - for he's not quick in responding - he manages to bite something out.]

There's a lot you still don't fucking get. And a lot of that you probably never will, not completely.

[His hands curl and uncurl. He rolls his shoulders.]

I hate you for it, too. And I fucking can't stand it that I don't know what to fucking say to all that.

[So, after another lingering moment spent with that glare, he pushes up roughly from the couch - stalking on into the kitchen after.]

You can stay. I'm making some fucking hot chocolate.

[This - all this - is a lot better than most would get from him.]

[[And all the while, she holds her breath, waiting for some response. And when she finally receives it, it takes everything she has not to wince away, to hold his gaze, but she manages. And once he is up and off the couch and in the kitchen, she lets out that breath and sinks shakily into his now empty spot, running a hand through her hair.

As much as she'd like to offer him 'I would if you would explain it', she holds her tongue.

Hot chocolate sounded good. Staying sounded very good. That was good enough for her.

Guile of course, as much as she waaaanted more pets, stayed where she was on the arm of the couch, and Rose sat up to gently stroke Karkitty again as she waits.]]

[Some minutes later, Karkat returns with two cups of hot chocolate, and a bag of mini-marshmallows tucked under one arm. Awkwardly he sets them down - and it becomes apparent that the marshmallows are only consideration for her, because he takes none. Instead, now able to take his cup alone, he settles back onto the couch. Not looking at her. Not saying anything.]

[Karkitty at least has made a better companion than Karkat himself, at whom he now stubbornly glares in turn.]

[[And she will take her cup with a quite thanks, glancing at him but ultimately doing her best not to look at him either. Once realizing he was having none of the marshmallows, she carefully dipped a few fingers into the bag and gathered a small amount, sprinkling them into the drink before settling back onto the couch once again.

No leaning. No talking. Just sipping and petting the Pokemon in his lap. Guile, from the arm, chirps at Karkat, but makes no moves to occupy his legs.

...she idly wonders if suggesting romcoms would be a good or bad idea.]]

[No petting, Guile. Poor little Eevee.]

[But if there's to be any romcoms, Rose will have to suggest him. Karkat can brood like nobody's fucking business when he wants, and that's what he's doing now. Silent, internalized, good old fashioned emotional bottling. Stoppering it all back up inside with each sip of hot chocolate, as though it were his own rage and self-loathing he were drinking down. Good and bitter.]

[[Welp.

After a few minutes of letting him sip that rage down, she finally leans forward and sets her cup down, gently pushing Karkitty to the side with an apology. Getting up, she heads to her bag and roots through it, retrieving three cases.

Walking back to Karkat, she produces them, holding them out to him. They're indeed romcoms, and she's hoping a few he hadn't watched before.]]

...If you are in the mood.

[[And now she manages a tiny smile.]]

They are the perfect cure for everything, after all.

[His eyebrows lift. He knows the shape, and likely what they are before he even turns to look.]

[So, between her small smile, and her words, and the sight of them... It's hard to really keep as flat out broody and quiet.]

Alright.

[He points to one.]

Go put it in the player. Probably what I would have done eventually on my own, if you weren't here.

[[And, while trying to hide her relief, she puts two down and goes to play the one he had pointed to. It takes her a moment to figure it out, but eventually she has it in the player, the television on, and the movie playing.

And so she settles back down on the couch, inviting Karkitty once more if he likes, and sipping a little less tensely at her drink.]]

[Karkitty retakes his place quite gladly. And Karkat, for his part? He actually pats his lap to invite Guillemet back over.]

I swear, at this rate, I'll have seen every damn romcom you can find in this city by the end of the earth human year.

[[Oh man Guile is so there. Though not as excited on the outside. Tentatively sleeping into his lap, she chirps once and settles down.]]

These are actually from Goldenrod.

Huh. Really?

[A glance her way, then back at the screen. Guile meanwhile gets earscritches.]

Yes. A...friend offered to buy me a few things from Goldenrod while he was up there. I asked for romcoms. I gave him a list of what was in Violet so there was little chance you would have seen it already, and had him go from there.

[[And Karkitty is getting the same.]]

Kinda nice, having a friend who's into them too. I could kill for some real troll romcoms, but having variety is better than nothing.

[His sips at his hot chocolate some more.]

I don't know if he's into them, so much as willing to pick them up for me.

[[Sipping thoughtfully.]]

I believe, aside from I suppose Dave - though I would likely never ask him - you are the only friend of mine who is interested enough to watch these with me.

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Action; 1/2 Because yes. It is that long.

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Action; sorry for the slowness, had a few groceries to put away

Action; Never worry about it. <3

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